


Comparing Notes

by Cateia



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Bar Room Brawl, Breakups, Crack, Gossip, Humor, Multi, Past Relationship(s), Sexual Humor, Stag Nights & Bachelor Parties, Wicked Grace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 10:17:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3130871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cateia/pseuds/Cateia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawke has had her way with most of her crew...and more than a few others. What happens when jilted lovers get together for a night of Wicked Grace?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Comparing Notes

Guys’ Night was usually a good time. The men of Hawke’s merry band would sit in Fenris’ mansion, drinking (except Sebastian) and partaking of leafsmoke (also except Sebastian) while they played Wicked Grace. It’d been an automatic gathering every Thursday night for the past few months.

Tonight, they were missing their Exiled Prince. He had hastily explained at the last minute that Chantry duty called, and he couldn’t make it. Varric offered to host the game at the Hanged Man in hopes that they might entice a fourth to join, and sweetened the deal by talking Corff into slinging drinks on the house.

Varric had just finished dealing to Anders and Fenris when the tavern door swung open and Hawke walked in…hand-in-hand with none other than Sebastian Vael. The look on Sebastian’s face was priceless. He tried to make a quick apology, but Varric laughed it off and waved the lovebirds away, though to watch Hawke move on with yet another man was a dagger to his heart.

Varric Tethras never talked about the brief fling that he enjoyed with Hawke down in the Deep Roads. He’d tried for years to chalk it up to being just One of Those Things, but in reality, he’d carried a bit of a torch for Hawke both long before and ever since. She was the first woman he’d been intimate with since being separated from his beloved Bianca, and he’d chastised himself for being so weak. But Varric—ever the charmer—moved on the only way he could; he ordered another round for his table with a laugh and a wink. Several tankards later, seeing Hawke and Sebastian making out in the corner like two lusty teenagers didn’t seem to hurt as much. Gathering up the cards (and the pot) yet again, Varric noticed that Fenris didn’t seem to care that he was forced to drink ale after Corff had run out of wine. In fact, Fenris seemed to be on another planet. _Wonder if he’s another victim of Hawke’s fickle heart?_

“What’s the matter now, Broody?” Varric asked as he shuffled the deck of cards.

The elf’s eyes flitted over to Hawke, who was sitting on Sebastian’s lap with her tongue jammed down his throat. The former Chantry brother’s hands squeezed her ass hard and Fenris muttered something in Tevine. “Nothing,” he growled as he picked up his new hand of cards.

Varric hadn’t missed Fenris’ glance. _Yep…she dumped him too. Poor Sebastian…he’s gonna be devastated when Hawke dumps—oh, who am I kidding? I’ll be the first to laugh. He knows her…he knows how flighty she is._

“She’s not gonna be happy until she fucks the entire male population of Kirkwall, is she,” Anders spat and drained his tankard.

_Anders dated her too?_

“Watch what you say, mage,” Fenris snarled. Varric capitalized on the distraction and snagged a discarded Song card while his opponents glared at each other.

Anders tried to play innocent, holding up his hands in a surrendering gesture. Varric snuck a glance at Blondie's cards. “I only speak the truth. Hawke’s had you, me…there were rumors about Alistair when he was here…that elf at Chateau Haine…Zevran…”

“And me,” Isabela purred as she pulled up a chair. The others stared at her, gobsmacked.

“Me too,” Varric sighed, feeling a massive weight lift from his chest.

“Whatever, Varric,” Anders said with a dismissive wave. “We all know I was the first one she dated when she got to Kirkwall.”

“I’m serious, Blondie. We had a fling down in the Deep Roads. You were too busy trying not to get found by the Wardens to notice.” Varric drew a card and grinned. He showed his hand, complete with the Angel of Death. The others groaned and threw down their cards.

“Well, if we’ve all dated Hawke…let’s compare notes,” Isabela said with a sly grin. “I’ll start…anyone notice how much she whines—“

“About everything? Maker, yes,” Anders spat. “It was constant! ‘ _Anders, my head hurts. Give me a potion,’_ or _‘Anders, I’m cold. Could you do some sparklefinger warming spell or whatever?’_ ”

Varric laughed at Anders' perfectly shrill impression. “How about ‘ _Oh, Varric, are you absolutely sure Anders couldn’t hit you with a spell to make you taller?_ ’”

Isabela’s jaw dropped. “She did _not_ ask for that!”

Varric shook his head as he shuffled the cards. “No shit, she totally did. Said it was because she absolutely hated doing it mabari-style. Something about how pebbles dug into her knees even through my blanket. Yet, the constant threat of darkspawn ambushing us mid-deed? Nah, that was alright," he said dryly.

“Well, clearly she had no idea how many fun things you can do with a dwarf,” Isabela said with a wink. Varric shot the pirate a lopsided grin.

Fenris rolled his eyes. “Why am I not surprised that you’ve been with dwarves, too?”

Isabela shrugged. “It’s a talent, what can I say? Anyway, with me she was always whining that I have better tits than she does. Which I do,” the pirate said as she glanced down proudly at her own cleavage.

“Agreed,” the others responded in unison.

Varric took a long pull of his ale, smacking his lips after he swallowed. “She has the biggest ass I’ve ever seen. I mean…where does she store it all? She runs around in leathers and looks fine. Get her naked and BAM, you almost get slapped in the face with it,” he joked as he put down the deck of cards. _Wicked Grace can wait. This gossip session has been years in the making, and I’m not about to miss one bit of it._

“And what is the deal with that ridiculous tattoo?” Anders asked, still baffled by the random swirls that covered Hawke’s entire back. “I mean, I get what’s behind Dalish vallaslin or dwarven markings, but this looked like a child drew on her.”

“She told me she got drunk and woke up with it. Total bullshit, but whatever. Anyway, you’d think with all the people she’s fucked, she’d be better at blow jobs,” Fenris chimed in. “Who would ever think it’s a good idea to use their _teeth_?”

The others winced and nodded in acknowledgement.

“You’d also think with all the people she’s fucked, she’d be better at fucking, _period_ ,” Varric muttered. “I mean, she didn’t seem to be into it at all. All the other ladies I’ve had—dwarven or human—always got into the act.”

“Agreed, I hardly knew I gave her an orgasm,” Isabela said.

“Fucking her was like fucking a dead fish,” Anders said. “She just laid there. Wouldn’t reach up and touch me or anything.”

“Maybe that’s because she wasn’t into you,” Fenris growled smugly over his tankard.

Anders narrowed his gaze on the elf. “What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

“She seemed to be perfectly into it with me…screaming, kissing, grabbing…all of it. I had no problems getting her off, either. Maybe you guys just weren’t doing it for her,” Fenris said with a casual shrug.

Anders slammed his hands on the table, causing some of his ale to slosh over the side of his tankard. “That’s ridiculous. I’ve had _dozens_ of women, and Hawke’s the only one that just laid there. It’s _not_ me.”

“Maybe Justice has something to do with it,” Isabela teased.

Anders’ eyes flashed blue as an otherworldly voice escaped his lips. “I THINK SHE’S A TERRIBLE LAY, TOO.”

Isabela chuckled. “Well, that clears that right up then. Thanks, Justice.”

“YOU ARE MOST WELCOME, ISABELA. I ALSO THINK YOU HAVE BETTER TITS.” Anders’ eyes returned to their normal hazel and he shook his head vigorously as he regained control of himself.

Fenris rolled his eyes. “I still think it’s pretty clear that _I’m_ the better one in bed.”

“Whatever, Fenris…my prowess is known throughout the Free Marches, Rivain, Antiva, _and_ Ferelden,” Isabela purred, uncrossing and recrossing her flawless gams.

Varric clucked his tongue. “Quantity does not equal quality, Rivaini. Same to you, Anders…Justice…whichever of you did the fucking.”

Anders sat straight up as the spirit overtook him once again. “THE POWER OF THE FADE GUIDES OUR PENIS.” The mage slumped as soon as Justice stopped talking.

Fenris slammed his tankard onto the table. “ _Fastevas_! Anders, would you shut that damned thing up?”

“Justice is NOT a thing! He’s a spirit, which means—“

“Do you really think I give a shit, abomination? Just sit down and drink your ale like a good little apostate and maybe we can all get back to the game instead of winding up having a chat with our good friends the Templars down at the gallows. Fucking mages!”

“What did you just say to me?”

“Did I stutter?”

Anders stood and wielded his staff. One of the stuffed nugs’ button eyes fell off. “That’s fucking _it_. You’re going _down_ , knife-ear!”

Fenris shoved back from the table and stood. “Oh _really_ , mage? You think you’re a match for my skills?” His lyrium markings flared blue.

Isabela and Varric tried to hold the men back, to no avail. “Guys, I really don’t think this is a good idea,” the dwarf pleaded.

Fenris broke free first, lunging towards the blonde mage and punching him in the nose. Scarlet blood flowed from Anders’ nostrils as he strained against Isabela’s firm grasp. He threw his head back, cracking skulls with the pirate. The impact caused Isabela to let go of the mage and he leapt towards Fenris with a maniacal scream. In an instant, the two highly-skilled fighters resorted to schoolyard tactics as they rolled around on the floor of the Hanged Man, tugging at clothing and tearing at hair. Anders summoned a frisson of electricity and used it to blast Fenris towards the nearby wall. Dazed, Fenris grabbed an empty wine bottle and cracked it over Anders’ head. The patrons’ shouts goaded them on until everyone was so fixated on the brawl that nobody noticed Hawke and Sebastian had approached the melee.

“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?” Hawke yelled. Everyone turned to look at the Champion. Anders and Fenris stopped, mid-punch, gawking at their leader.

Anders was the first to speak up, still clutching desperately at Fenris’ chestplate. “Well, Hawke, Fenris and I were discussing our dating history when _you_ came up, and…well—“

Sebastian held up a hand to silence the mage and shot an accusatory glare at his girlfriend. “ _Wait_. Hawke, you said you never dated anyone else in our group. Did you lie to me?”

Hawke shuffled her feet awkwardly as she stared at the ground. “Define _date_. I mean, Anders and I…and Fenris…and, um…”

“Isabela…and Varric,” Isabela offered as she folded her arms.

Sebastian recoiled in disgust. “So you actually dated everybody else, _then_ me? I’m just another notch in your bedpost? Well, Hawke, I _told_ you that wasn’t what I wanted. I’m not waiting to join these fools in their club for your victims. We’re _done_ ,” he spat and briskly walked out of the tavern as Hawke could only watch, mouth agape.

Fenris shook his head as he scrabbled to his feet, extending a hand towards Anders. The men shared understanding glances as they dusted themselves off.

Hawke finally came to her senses and ran after the Prince, her wails of “ _Wait_!” and “ _They’re lying!_ ” bouncing off the limestone walls of Lowtown for several moments afterward.

Varric righted Fenris’ chair and held it for him. “The Victim Club. I like that. Anyone else here been personally victimized by Hawke?”

A half-dozen scattered hands shot up.

The dwarf let out a hearty guffaw. “Well then, pull up a chair and tell us your stories!”

_**~ FIN ~** _

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was a kmeme prompt I started years ago, and lost the link to. Stumbled across it today while looking for a supplemental doc for my ongoing series and decided I needed to write something lighter for a change. I hope you enjoy! :)


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